Boredom isn't a good reason to post, but I will try and bridge that and actually write something that I want to say. I keep thinking about things that I meant to post about a while ago, but I have more trouble writing about them when I let time pass. I was going to write something about living beyond reproach, Shondra and I talked a bit about it at work during the summer. But I let it pass, so I will write about this week.

In all honesty it hasn't been the easiest week- not just speaking about school. I've been moping a bit, rather caught up in all the things I wish I could change in my life. I think about how I wish things were different then mope because I can't do anything about it and don't think God will. Sometimes knowing that God wants what is best for me I just assume that is everything I don't want. Anyway during dorm chapel on Friday everything was put into perspective. We were singing How Great is Our God, and I remembered How great our God really is. When I focus on Him and not my own petty little problems I realize how trivial they are. Honestly they don't matter. It's late at night and I'm having trouble formulating my thoughts. The moral of the story is that, when I'm feeling mopish I need to focus on God, well I should be focusing on Him all the time, He should be the center of my life. I'm saying should because I fail so many times. The older I get the more amazed I am at His love. Sometimes I think that after all these years I would have learned something so small. Yet thankfully there are trials in my life that constantly remind me of how much I need Him, and how great He is. Well I think I will go to bed now, and maybe write something that might make a little more sense later. GBY

Another day, another try

The summer, since it is almost over, I think I will try and sum it up. As stated before the summer has turned out to be interesting. Not much has happened, as stated above. My parents moved, and yes I did cry, most of the way up the mountains back to work. I am actually an emotional person- in the sense that I do cry sometimes, I'm only saying that because my family doesn't know. Anyway, womens Bible study this week was really good, Patricia shared, and she basically just shared her whole life story. It was incredibly encouraging to hear how God has been faithful through the years. I have been quite worried over how I'm going to pay for this next school year, and hearing her share really put things into perspective. I had a good sitting session too. I am known to roam about at night (at school too) most of the time just to think. But I sat outside and had a good thinking/praying session. Anyway, the rest is almost over and school is about to begin. But I'm quite excited about it. The question right now is should I graduate early? I'm now a second semester sophmore and it would be really easy to take a few extra classes and graduate a year early. But do I really want to do that? I still have no idea what I want to do. So anyway that is life. Only one more semester of signing in!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! Waldock here I come.

And the summer is almost over...

So I don't really write on here because I have so little time on the computer and I don't always like writing complete nonsense. The summer is really almost over I only have two more weeks of work. Ahhhh. This summer has been good. I can't say that I had some revelation that was so great it felt like I was struck by lighting (not that I know what that feels like, actually technically I don't think it would feel like the expression suggests at all) but things have been settling. Like my life has been shaken gently and all the peices are falling into place.

My parents are now in Florida. My mom was offered a teaching job before she moved but she refused it (the contract was really strange) but the day they arrived she was told by another school that she had an interview then she was offered the job and now she start on Monday. Anyway what I think I was getting to was that I've been worried this summer about this coming year and the fact that I have no job and no way to pay my school bills, and all this reminded that I don't need to worry. Anyway, I'm writing but it seems like I'm not saying anything that I want to.

I think I will end this post and rewrite everything I want to say better. But considering this is the first time all summer that I have sat and no one has been in line, this will probably not happen again.

thoughts....or something like that

So I'm sitting in the staff lounge waiting for it to be time to go down the hill. We are eating at Red Robin tonight. I don't really like Red Robin, but I will eat there. So I have been at Camp for about a month. At first we weren't very busy so I had time for great thoughts that I wanted to record. Then it became busy and life started consisting of sleep, food, work, sleep and of course foosball. Overall I haven't had any life changing revelations: realizing that the true path to happiness involves shaving my head and eating onions for the rest of my life. I also have not as yet been abducted by aliens- though I still have not lost hope. I will persevere! On the otherhand I have thought alot about , serving others, and well of course foosball.

To start off the summer I was reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X- I didn't finish it, partially because it was due back at the library and because I got upset about being called the basest of all human beings, and racist, racist beyond anything I thought conceivable. I will agree with Dr. Simons that it is a good autobiography, but their is only so much any human can take being insulted. So the book is basically is about how his life was ruined by racist whites. You must realize that every bad aspect of black society is caused by Whites. The , the , the prostitution, all of it. So apparently I have lived my life in oblivion. I know that I have been the cause for most of the tradgedy of everyone I know's life, but to be called a cause of the deterioration of black society. Really. The book takes it so far that it is completely racist against whites. Anyway, I stopped the book, I could not read anymore. Maybe someday I'll finish it.

When I got here this summer I was a little worried when I found out that I was going to be one of the oldest s here (really I'm not all that old), in the past I was one of the youngest. The first week everything exploded and some of the s called a meeting where they complained about someone borrowing their razor and the like. Things have calmed down a little. I am also always in contact with people which is difficult at times. I like them in small doses but sometimes when I'm around them for nine or ten hours a day and they all want something or are wondering why they haven't gotten their fries yet it becomes difficult.

Odd but possibly interesting facts: My boss mixed the rootbear and Dr. Pepper lines by mistake and we were open for several hours and nobody who bought Root Bear and got Dr. Pepper instead said anything. I am also starting to like Dr. Pepper. My grandparents always feed it to us when we visit. People also will order a soda look at what we have and ask for Coke. We don't have coke!!!! I give them Pepsi. Sometimes I ask them if they want Pepsi and they normally say yes. My mom calls all soda coke, so I like to make sure. But if they read all the labels and ask for coke, really it astonishes me. I have also rediscovered my love for foosball! How did I live a year without playing it??? Hmmmm foosball. It is about time for me to start getting ready to leave. So have a splendid day!

My parents leave for Florida in ten days!!!!!!!!!!!

Have I ever mentioned that I seriously dislike the sound of popping knuckles???

Note: this computer takes out all words that it deems innapropriate, basically any word that could be controversial. I have not reread this to see if it took anything out. But just to clarify, I did not cuss or say anything that is even questionable, the computer just has no idea what I'm actually talking about.

News update: Well there isn't much to say except that I would appreciate prayer. I just finished a 8 day work stretch and I am now starting a 9 day stretch. I had the lovely (sarcasm) of working until midnight twice. Anyway, I have to drive up today. Well maybe I'll try and update again sometime.

Resolutions Revisited

So at the end of the fall semester I felt inspired to write a list of personal resolutions- not the ones turned in for Biblical Fun. I meant to post them by my bed and work hard on improving. Unfortunately like most of my good intentions they didn't happen, instead they sat on my xanga for no purpose. So I thought I would post them again with the intention of trying once more to improve. And hopefully with God's help I will make at least a little progress this summer. Hmmm- well I was a little upset about some specific things when I wrote this and I can tell now when reading back. My Personal Resolutions 1. Resolved, to focus on my own personal and spiritual life and leave others in the hands of God. 2. Resolved, to pray for others but not take things out of God’s hands, for on my own I will only complicate things and cause unneeded heartache. 3. Resolved, to spend quality time in God’s word, not as an obligation I feel I must accomplish but as a heartfelt desire to grow closer to Him. 4. Resolved, to spend more time on meaningful conversations and doing acts of kindness than I do in meaningless chatter and activities. 5. Resolved, to not jump to conclusions without knowing all facts and evidence. 6. Resolved, to not feel jealousy for something or someone that is not mine and that I have no claim to. 7. Resolved, to not let petty jealousy hinder friendships that I could have. 8. Resolved, to not blame others for what I think they should have done when I did nothing on my part. 9. Resolved, to clean my room more often. 10. Resolved, to learn how to balance my academic and social life in a way that neither suffers over much. 11. Resolved, to not hold my opinions and advice to myself in situations when it is needed, as this is selfish. 12. Resolved, to ask if I can help instead of waiting for someone to ask me. 13. Resolved, to never feel comfortable and stagnant in my spiritual life. 14. Resolved, to honestly care how people are when I ask them how they are. 15. Resolved, to be willing to share my thoughts and emotions with others. 16. Resolved, to not let others actions cause me to sin. 17. Resolved, to not focus on how I want others to change, but on how I can change. 18. Resolved, to put more thought into my actions, and to be quick to ask for forgiveness. 19. Resolved, to not focus my thoughts on myself and my own selfish ambitions but to think about others in a caring and uplifting way. 20. Resolved, to not become impatient when waiting for others, as there are many occasions when I make people wait for me. 21. Resolved, to not let the sun go down on my anger, literally. To take action instead of wallowing in self pity thinking “I will get over this”, when I will just harbor it and make the situation worse. 22. Resolved, to be quick to listen and slow to judge. 23. Resolved, to remember that I’m a sinner and nothing I can do on my own is worthy of God’s grace. 24. Resolved, to truly be happy for others when good things happen to them and not to me. 25. Resolved, to realize that if I accomplish any of these resolutions that it is only through Christ and not my own strength. 26. Resolved, to be thankful when people correct me and to realize that it is out of love and not an effort to tear me down. 27. Resolved, to realize that what is best is not necessarily what I want. 29. Resolved, to not pray for others to change so that it will benefit me but to pray out of a true concern for them. 30. Resolved, to not give my opinion like it is the will of God that everyone should obey and agree with. I am mostly wrong, and often need to admit it. 31. Resolved, to love others unselfishly. To be willing to love even if it means I may get hurt, for there is no gain without risk. To let God love others through me, and not let my personality and desires get in the way of his sovereign will.

I'm Alive!!!

Yes indeed I am! I'm also on the staff lounge computer that must be shared with all the other summer staff, so I won't be writing much of anything. I am enjoying my new job working at the coffee shop now calleed Creekside Cafe. I'm learning new things. Today I used the Expresso maker for the first time- I definitely need practice. There are mice or some other critter that move around in the wall next to my bed- rather disturbing when you are trying to fall asleep. I have resorted to playing classical music so I don't hear it as loudly. My first day of work is over. I was actually quite worried about it because when the coffee shop isn't open I work in accomodations (my department of the last two summers), and Bruce my boss told me that he expected me to help train summer staff because all the other full time workers were off. Anyway it turned out to not be that bad and we both survived and it is time for me to go to bed. My day off is Saturday so I plan on writing something more meaningful then.

5 1/2 hours spent in church today and a new lease on life. A new new post coming soon.

A New Post

The title says everything: this is a new post. Now that I've said that I'm not all that sure what to write. I like to stew up what I'm going to write for some time, so that when it comes to writing, I actually have something to say. This is also supposed to be mostly serious. Why? Because I have 3 xangas, one myspace, one facebook, and something else that I can't think up the name for. I realize that is a little excessive. Perhaps it is even a sign of some sin issue in my life. I will now write 10 pages biblically counseling myself...:) Anyway, I started this for my serious thoughts because my xanga has been silly for so long that I wasn't sure how people would take it if I whent completely serious (though I do write serious things on there now and then). I still have no idea what I'm writing about. I could start ranting about something I feel strongly about but that has a tendency to turn into complaining, and it is far from my purpose on earth to complain about all the wonderful things God has blessed me with. I don't want to forget why I'm here, or forget where I've come from. Sometimes I wonder why things happen and think that I deserve something better. But really (short interuption-one of my sisters called and wanted to talk to me, apparently my other sister who she was talking to was being to rational and patient about the subject of which they were talking and she thought I might be better. Unfortunately I happen to be the most rational of the three of us- at least when it comes to other peoples lives :) ) Anyway, I think I will try and sum up what I was trying to say: Instead of complaining like I often want to, it is important to realize the magnitude of what God has done for me. To have forgiven me and be changing me is amazing. Even though I have no reason to complain about the little things in my life. I am priviledged and really half the world doesn't have the things I do- tempted to go off on the starving children of Africa...(someone actually asked me about that-I dream of people asking me questions like that, someone once also asked me about "crossing the Rubican"-another question I had been waiting all my life to be asked. Anyway(I may say that word too often) after saying so little in so many words I will stop, and think of something deep and meaningful to write at a later date. I just realized what I was going to write about. Nooooo!!!!!!!! well that is life. I may remember it another time I am writing- perhaps later today. Spell check will not work for me. Sorry for all the spelling errors.

Summer...

Summer is always refreshing but it also brings plenty of its own problems. Right now I'm at home, getting ready for a trying summer at Camp. I guess what worries me the most is the drama. Since it will be my third summer (and last) I know everyone, which means I know all their problems. This summer I also won't be going up with any of my friends, like in the past. Which means there will be no neutral people except myself. So I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to be friends with people without creating enemies. I know I'm going to need patience, lots and lots of patience. Right now the summer ahead seems daunting. The time is going too quickly by, and soon I'll be up in the mountains with no car and a multitude of problems. I know I'll be learning a great deal and that I'm looking forward too. It seems that I learn the most when its the hardest so I'm looking forward to learn some good but hard lessons. I know that everything will work out, I'm just hoping that I'll be able to look forward to it all before it begins.

So today I was listening to Christian radio, I haven't really done that since coming to school, and I was reminded of some of the things that really annoy me in music. I heard this overly happy and bubbly song by True Vibe, I hadn't heard it before but it sounded like all their others. What bothered me was the meaninglessness of it. Don't get me wrong, I do listen to some Christian music that is purely fun and light. It when people over simplify and portray a distorted version of the Christian life. The song basically sang about how happy they were since they started following Christ, and it then when on to talk about how wonderful their life was, all sunshine and twinkies. Besides not saying anything important, it gave the idea that you won't have any problems when you become a Christian. Maybe I'm strange but I've had plenty of trials in my life, and I'm not always bubbly. The difference is having hope. Grace through the trials and a hope in the life that is to come. My sister thinks every band should go to Bible school, I'm starting to agree with her.

Another thing (now that I'm ranting about music), I once again heard that song by Rebecca St. James, Wait for me. Before angry people start hitting me over the head, let me say I have nothing wrong with the song. It is the fact that half the songs written seem to be about things like this. It is a good thing to have a godly perspective when it comes to relationships, but too much of a good thing is bad. We seem to have gotten into some sort of an obsession. To be obsessed (general def.) with God is a good thing, but obsessing over his gifts can easily turn to sin. It is good to trust God and know He holds the future, but we can't get distracted by hopes for the future and forget the present job at hand. Personally there are some things that I don't think it is healthy to dwell on. Girls have a tendency to speculate and dream up every detail of the life they hope to have. I try not to, that is why when people ask me "silly" questions I often give short answers or won't answer at all. There are several problems to over daydreaming. First, people can't read minds. They won't say or do what you want, you can't make them live up to expectations they don't know about, this is bound to end in disappointment. Second it takes attention off God, only he is perfect, all else will fail. And most importantly, God is in control of all of our lives (thankfully). I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I make plans for my life it is hard for me to except that God's plans may be different. I want to live every moment ready to do His will, and it is hard to do this when all my thoughts are on what I expect. Now I have no idea how I got off on this tangent. Ahhh, Rebecca St. James. So yes, when every other song on the radio is some gushy future love song, it is hard to not dwell on it, and to keep focus on Christ. Also do we realize that not everyone gets married? I know we often think that since we are Christians God will give us what we think is the perfect ideal life. This isn't true, he knows what is best for us and this may include being a hermit in the desert eating cactus thorns. I thought about writing a song about being single for the rest of my life, but then I thought someone might shoot me. Anyway those are my thoughts on that.

One last thing relating to music. It bothers me how we grumble about how the world has strange views about the Bible then feed these views with theologically unsound songs, and careless words. So I've had this song from VBS stuck in my head for about a week. It goes something like this "Let's be friends like Jonathan and David, they show us how friendly friends can be...". So to a innocent churchgoer this seems fine. But when we realize that kids going to VBS may be fed from other sources that Jonathan and David were gay, the song may only strengthen this. A simple rewording could solve the problem.

Anyway, I really should go to bed and stop ranting...Trust me there is more...Have a good week...

Something light and fluffier

Here are some quotes gathered over the semester all made by Dr. Simons.

"go tell him to swing from the same tree as him"

"hollywood has bought sold and is the devil"

"kill him, how fast can we kill him is the only question I'm asking"

"I wasn't out playing frisbee which would have kept me at the level of a barking seal for the rest of my life"

"If you want to read 300 pages of bad sentences read the tax codes"

"they got over it, the dead people didn't"

"boiling my neighbors in oil, that is an amusement"

"you never know you're righteous until you know you are evil"

"sizzle sizzle"

"lets take the casualty list for today"

"you go ahead and convict me you rat, if you don't get me now I'll get you in heaven"

"you little jerk, I want to go bowling with your head"

"he couldn't aquire a mind when he was mindless"

"take notes of all the golden thoughts that pour out of my brain"

don't personify body parts "my brain told me I was dumb"

"God and the angels wouldn't use the word facilitate"

"you will be looking at a little imbecile who is completely in your image" -when speaking of childraising.

Reflections...

A week ago tonight I was sitting in my room hurriedly typing my personal improvement project paper. I often get caught up in the little things and my multiple failings and forget to look at the whole picture. Part of writing it was starting at the beginning and following the process of change over the whole semester. I was shocked, I had seen all my failing during the semester but not the changes they had brought with them. Things that seemed to have no connection to my project were changed. Its not that I doubt God's power to change me it is that bumbling idiot who seems determined to stubbornly resist God in all ways possible. If there is hope for me there is hope for everyone.

In a larger sense, it is more than just this semester. I had supper with one of my friends the other night and she asked to hear my testimony (something that used to strike terror in my heart), she was a detail person so I gave all the details. I was surprised, I had told myself that just because God had forgiven me that people couldn't, that God may be able to love me anyway but that if anyone truly knew my sins they never could. It is easy to know things but often hard to believe them, at least for me it is. As I sat there and poured out my life and my heart instead of being condemning she was just happy (couldn't think of a better word at the moment) at the amazing things God has done in my life. She found it encouraging that God can change people in drastic ways and wanted to know all about how he has changed me since then. God's forgiveness is such an amazing thing and it so beautiful when it is expressed through fellow believers. I just hope I can be show this same love and forgiveness to others.

My toes are fat, please don't feel ashamed telling me this. Someone pointed out to me tonight that they were chubby (like I didn't know already), we both knew that they really meant that my toes are fat. So if you want to say it please do, I got over being sensitive about it a long time ago.

Uncertainty- (is this the topic or am I merely uncertain about what to title it?)

As everyone around me went mad this year trying decide what to do with their lives I've thought a lot about the future. For a while I was a little stressed out about the terrible question "what do you want to do with your life?". Right now I'm content with not knowing, but I still think about it. After being at college for a year I am less sure than when I arrived. I know I want to write, but that is general. Yesterday I stumbled across these lines by Adrian Plass as I was reading one of my books, it is about writing (surprise, surprise) "In the process I began to learn ( and am still learning) that unless my writing and speaking is rooted in real relationship with God and Man, there simply isn't anything to communicate". This is obviously true, but in a larger sense (quoting from one of her favorite speeches again) I don't want to waste my life writing something meaningless while I could have done more. I know every job has a purpose and you don't have to part of some grandiose organization to make a difference, but I want to do the most I can with this little bit of life I have. So I go back and forth in my mind, fiction, nonfiction, fiction, nonfiction. I read something by one of my favorite authors about why they write fiction more than nonfiction, unfortunately when I was looking for again and I couldn't find it. But I didn't come across something else I liked " It's simple really. It makes me choke now. My search for truth and meaning has been so exhaustive that giving up the discovery (writing) or the sharing of what I've discovered (writing) would be subhuman for me. I write because I must write. I have paid a huge price to write. I've been richly blessed because I write."- Ted Dekker. I've always known what I want to do, I must write, I will write, I have to write, but the question is what?

New post coming soon...

as soon as my computer will stay on for more than a minute without shutting down.

Viva crackers and cheese, yes lots of cheese.

I had an interesting chat with one of my friends in the cafeteria the other day that had me thinking. Or more correctly we talked about something that I had been thinking about so my thoughts were solidified. We were talking about friendship and how they sometimes slide and other times end. I was wondering if this is often a with not having my friendships God centered. I'm not saying that I get into strange cult worship with my friends or anything. Its more that I often get the absurd notion that since my friends are Christians and I'm a Christian that it is enough. I keep realizing more and more that it isn't. Friendships that are build on superficial things don't last. When circumstances end they have nothing left hold them together. And most importantly it is a pure waste!! God has given me so many amazing opportunities to learn from my friends and about Him with my friends. I can't imagine what I ever thought I would miss? I think I'm just a wasteful person. I'm trying though. I don't just want this to be some one sided thing either. I'm not saying that I love my friends just because of something that I can get from them. Not at all, I'm sick of piddling around and wasting my time. I'm not saying that I have sworn never to smile (well I have made that irrational promise recently), or make a joke, but I just don't want friendships that are completely trivial and frivolous. A line from a book keeps passing through my head " In the scheme of things what does it matter", honestly in the light of eternity what will it matter?

The Train Keeps Going Faster

It seems that life just get busier and busier. Unfortunately just as some things like homework build up and get pushed over so often do my devotions. I try not to, but somehow it keeps happening, or I have a superficial quick read. I don't want this. I waste so much time during my day and somehow I end up at the end of the day wondering what I've accomplished and just dropping into bed to sleep. I'm trying to work on this. One of my profs said that you can tell how mature someone is by how hard they work and how they manage their time. On that scale I wouldn't fare all that well. I always get things done but I do everything at the last minute. If the time I spend shows my priorities, then they definitely aren't quite in the right order. I want the right things, but I need to transform this into actions. Intentions mean nothing when actions don't follow. So on that idea, I think I will depart and spend some needed time elsewhere.

One step Closer

So it is a Friday night and I will try and recap what I have learned this week. In one of my classes we were talking about taking verses out of context, so we looked at the verse about "where two or three are gathered together in my name...". This is a very common verse to most of us, we have probably heard it all in the context of a prayer meeting and so forth. But if you think about it God also says he will never leave us or forsake us. He is always with us. But the verses surrounding are about discipline and how to deal with a sinning brother. These verses are speaking out about confrontation. I know I'm always scared to death when it comes to any type of confrontation. I shake with fear and try and avoid it but really this should give us courage. God is there with us when we have confront people, and we are not alone. I found this really encouraging.

thoughts of a mundane life

I honestly feel like I have nothing to say. Which is a very bad thing indeed. I would rather be succeeding by leaps and bounds or failing. At least in failure I would be learning something, and hopefully trusting God more and myself less. But here I am in the mediocre. I think one of the worst things in life is being content with where you are. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about the physical I'm talking about the spiritual. I never want to be perfectly content in my walk with God. What I'm trying to say is I'm not perfect (people who know me are now laughing at the notion), and as long as I'm not perfect my relationship with Christ will not be perfect. So there will always be things to improve, there is so much more to God than my mind will ever be able to grasp. I could spend every hour of every day studying His word and never fully understand Him. This is amazing and humbling. As I sit here enjoying my pathetic life it seems easy to give up. If I can never understand God, what is the point of trying? Well first of all, this isn't exactly my aim. I want to love God more and learn to serve and follow Him better. Not being able to understand Him helps me to accept His decisions in my life. I want a God who is bigger than me. I have a tendency to repeatedly mess up my life. I would be nowhere without God's grace in my life. I'm not sure if any of that made sense, but to sum it up I'm just reminding myself how great God is and why I want and need to know Him better.

I was challenged in one of my classes the other day. We were talking about work, and how it is terrible to work really hard at your job and hate it. The problem is I have started to strongly dislike my job. I know I shouldn't and I don't want to. If I am really trying to Glorify God in all that I do then I shouldn't be complaining and hating work. I want to praise Him for what he has given me and have thankful attitude. The problem is I'm not sure how to get there from where I am. How can I change this? I'm praying for help to change my attitude but it doesn't seem possible. Could it be that I don't want to change? That I want to feel sorry for myself? I hope not, but I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I just hope that I don't stop after the first stage. That I don't identify the problem then do nothing about it. I have a tendency of doing this, finding the sin and identifying it then doing nothing to change it. I try and put it off but often forget about the putting on. The challenge for me for the week and forever after is to seek after a Christ-like attitude in all things, even work.